My Top 20 Tips for Great Group Sex

So, you’ve decided to dip your toes into group sex? OR you have before but are hoping to increase the odds of a positive experience? OR you just are curious AF? I’ve got you. Here are my Top 20 Tips for Great Group Sex!

1. Don’t hoard someone’s time and body (unless this is a prior agreement and if it is make that clear to the others beforehand). Sometimes this is an emotional territory issue because there is a couple involved or a competitive issue. It’s not about outdoing one another. If you don’t want to share yourself or participate in a particular activity, communicate that up front.

2. Avoid leaving out someone for any length of time. This happens partly due to inexperience or to someone who isn’t assertive. Often occurs as someone is getting close to orgasm. Get in there yourself and encourage others to as well (with consent of course). There are lots of erogenous zones and the entire body is one big erogenous zone. Having said this, you don’t owe anyone opportunity to play with you, if you don’t want them to. Feel free to say no when needed. If you step back because you need a breath or a water break, don’t expect someone is going to be cognizant enough to “invite” you back in. Get busy giving pleasure and position yourself to receive it as well. Sometimes just running your fingers through someone’s hair or whispering sexy things to them as they are being pleasured by others sends them into a higher level of enjoyment.

3. Communicate. Let everyone know how much you enjoy what’s happening, even if you’re just observing. Compliment, moan, groan and sigh. Make noise or use words to demonstrate pleasure. And same for what’s NOT working. Never keep going with something you find uncomfortable or painful or even if it’s just diminishing your desire. Give suggestions to someone who is trying to pleasure you. Positive reinforcement when they have it right, correction (“more to the left” or “slower” “harder” “faster”) when they don’t.

4. Don’t assume the genitalia is the centre of all activities. Make sure as a penis-bearer, you’re using your mouth, fingers and the rest of your body and mind to pleasure your partners and if you lose your erection, don’t fret. If it doesn’t come back, relax and enjoy giving and receiving in other wonderful ways. As a vagina-bearer, same thing. Use your entire body and mind to pleasure another and don’t worry if you’re not wet and juicy. You don’t have to be. And if you want penetration, there’s always lube. Remember, our body parts don’t always respond the way we want them to but our minds may be very engaged.

5. Don’t comment or be concerned if someone loses their erection or isn’t wet. It happens, and again, there are plenty of ways to experience pleasure without a cock being at attention or a vagina being wet. Have toys and lube nearby to be used for penetration if desired. Sometimes following orgasm a partner may not be able to reach erection or get wet again. Whip out the dildo or lube if someone desires penetration!

6. Take your time and be prepared to laugh and not be so serious. A playful approach helps everyone relax.

7. Orgasm isn’t everything. Stop focusing on it. Hours of foreplay will work wonders for most people’s overall satisfaction and prepare them to achieve orgasm quicker if that’s what they would like.

8. Watch overindulgence in substance use. I personally prefer sober sex. But often people use alcohol or drugs to relax in these new or high stress dynamics. Too much of any substance will decrease your ability to feel. So keep it minimal for optimal experience.

9. Be mindful of your surroundings especially as you change positions. You don’t want to inadvertently roll into someone or off the bed. For this reason, a king bed or floor with mats or cushions is often better for threesomes and moresomes. But also a poorly placed elbow or knee or a too-swift transition can result in unintended injury. So take your time, and be mindful.

10. Debrief after. Stay awake for this part, especially if you intend to do it more. Focus on what you all enjoyed. Also mentioned the big “no”s that came up for you. Like for example if someone kissed you after going down on you and you don’t like that – and for whatever reason you didn’t express that to them in the moment – this is the time to say that’s not my cup of tea. If someone has a negative thought to share, don’t take it personally. Sometimes people have difficulty expressing what they want clearly in the moment. Create a safe space in this moment to let them express what they need to tell you to make the next experience even better. Thank them for being willing to give you feedback.

11. Do have water (hydration is vital) and snacks available during and after and have an opportunity for some cuddles all together following. Talk about who would like a shower and whether or not they want company. Don’t assume they do. Some people need a bit of alone time after a group experience or even following sex with one person.

12. Consent is imperative. Be aware consent may be curious with conditions (it’s not always a “hell yes”) and that it can be withdrawn at any point. Validate and support a partner’s withdrawal of consent. Or your own. It is a sign of someone tuning in appropriately to their needs. And always get consent – it can be very sexy…like “I’m going to put my fingers inside you now, yes?”

13. Talk about preferences, turn offs, limits, number of current partners, type of play you enjoy, STI safety protocols and testing status BEFORE YOU PLAY. Make sure everyone has all the information they need to feel relaxed about the experience. Feel free to ask for my acronym PLAY that outines how to have the pre-sex talk.

14. Gloves and lube: recommended. Very few people find anal play pleasurable without lubrication and some vagina-bearers will need lube in order for them to receive. Using gloves for penetration of an anus or a vagina also helps reduce potentially scratching with nails as well as reduce transmission of STIs (some can enter the skin where you might have a cut, and you are more likely to remember to change a glove than to stop and wash your hands before going to another person or location on the body.

15. Condoms and gloves should be changed for every penetrative experience even with the same person so have lots handy. Barriers such as dental dams should be changed frequently and for each orifice (IMPORTANT: don’t flip the dental dam over!). Keep anti-bacterial wipes handy to use on hands and wash toys between use on different people.

16. Take breaks if you’re overstimulated physically or emotionally. Sometimes if your partner is present it can suddenly feel like a lot to process especially if it’s the first time seeing them with another person. Take 5 minutes to disengage, get a drink, do something physical like a walk or jumping jacks (the body is a natural processing machine so it will help you move through the reactive phase) and come back with a curious mindset if possible. If you are really struggling it’s okay to say so and tap out.

17. Playing with an intimate partner? Make agreements ahead of time about what happens if one of you needs to stop or wants to leave and the other doesn’t. Do you want to play near each other or separate? Stick to the agreements you come to because that builds trust.

18. Take care of your personal hygiene beforehand and hair grooming (however you feel most comfortable). If you trim a beard do it 2-3 days before and shave down stubbled areas as close to playtime as possible to avoid painful friction burns (unless that’s your thing!). Avoid strong scents and stuff hairspray as some people may be allergic and too much hair product removes the opportunity to have someone enjoy your hair as a sensory experience.

19. What happens in a group sex experience stays in the group. Do not take pics or share details without prior and ongoing consent. “Ongoing” meaning it might be okay with a partner to share what happened with someone you’re close to but not with anyone else.

Don’t “out” participants to others outside the experience. It is never okay to share that so-and-so was at the orgy you attended without their consent.

20. While group sex is meant to be fun it can be a very different experience for each person. It can be quite deeply emotional and vulnerable. It can be playful and silly. It can be boundary-pushing and exciting. It can be boring. It can be disappointing. It can be exhausting. It can start someone questioning their preferences or sexual identity or bring up issues from our past. All of that is okay. Let it be what it is. Don’t have any expectations is my advice. Just do your best to be present, curious and authentic with yourself and others.

Also check out “Episode 14: All About Group Sex” of the “EMPOWERED POLY” podcast I co-host with my husband. Available on Spotify, Google and Apple podcasts as well as YouTube.

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